Alignment is a direction, not a destination

On values, anxiety, and laying the foundation for a new life

Yes, maybe dying 
is the easy part. 
Like taking off 
an old shoe, 
I’ve heard. 

After all, 
death is just a doorway 
to a new way of being.

Somewhere deep inside the Earth, 
a seedling stirs. 

- 2023

When I realized I was (metaphorically) dying, I tried running away. I tried clinging to the pillars of my life that were crumbling. I tried stuffing down all of my feelings so I’d never have to face the fact that I had outgrown a life I once dreamed of living.

Finally, I gave up. My rock bottom involved a mental health crisis while full-time traveling that forced me to move home with my parents. I had to face the fact that I was deeply, truly, on a cellular level, unhappy. And there was no one to blame but myself.

At that time, I was navigating a breakup, having panic attacks every day, and in existential anguish about where to live after leaving Spain, which had been my home for nine years.

I spent a lot of time on the floor of my childhood bedroom, grieving the version of myself I was leaving behind and feeling years of repressed emotions that had been taking up space in my physical body. There was no more numbing my way through it; instead I cried and screamed and punched pillows until I was beet-red in the face.

And then finally, it hit me:

I’m depressed because I’ve been living out of alignment my entire adult life.

I’m out of alignment because I have no value system to guide me.

Anxiety and depression were signs my body was using to communicate this to me, but I didn’t listen.

Finally, there was no way to get my attention besides total collapse.

Own your values, or not having any will own you

A couple years ago, I worked with a spiritual mentor who spoke to me a lot about values. It always irked me. I’m embarrassed to admit it now but something about defining my value system always felt like work I just didn’t want to do. Why focus on that nitty gritty task when I could be awakening my kundalini energy, opening my third eye, or manifesting my dream life?

Now I can see that living without a values system is like trying to navigate your way through a forest without a compass. Alone. In the dark.

You can only survive for so long.

And that’s exactly what had happened to me. I had never gotten myself out of survival mode, ever. And that’s no way to live.

Your values are the raw materials of the foundation of your life. Choose them wisely.

I decided that my word for 2024 was going to be alignment, and that defining my values was the obvious first step toward living an aligned life.

“When you live in alignment, your thoughts and behaviors match your priorities, values, and beliefs, and there is no longer a need to chase after anything in life . . you will start experiencing life in new ways . . . your sense of time [will] slow down and feels more plentiful because it’s being spent wisely and purposefully.”

-Kristine Klussman, PhD

In order to define my values, I imagined the version of myself I dreamed of becoming. The one who lives a rich, meaningful, creative life, surrounded by people who understand and support her. The one who never shows up as anyone other than her truest self. The one who is deeply in love with life and all its infinite shades of darkness and light. What kind of character did she have, and what mattered most to her? These are the questions that guided me.

It took a few weeks, maybe months, but I finally had a first draft of my value system. It looked something like this:

My values <3 <3

Honesty/Integrity: My words and actions align. I follow through on my promises and commitments. I remain committed to truth-telling, even when inconvenient.

Creativity: My joy and peace depend upon my creative self-expression. I will nurture my inner child/inner artist and prioritize creativity whenever possible.

Community: I will surround myself with people who are expansive, supportive, and who I can be my authentic self around. I will not wear masks, shapeshift, or match anyone’s energy.

It took one second for me to realize that I had not been living in a way that honored any of these values. Not even a little bit. No shit I was depressed.

The gap between the person I was when I first defined my values, and the person I would be if I were honoring them, was enormous. It represented the massive amount of growth and discomfort that lay ahead.

Anxiety as a neutral prop; a messenger; maybe even a friend

Setting the intention of living a more value-based and aligned life caused seismic shifts within me and in my reality. The most notable shift was my relationship with anxiety. I was able to see anxiety as less of a punishment and more of a neutral messenger, simply letting me know when I’m behaving in a way that’s out of alignment.

For example, when I used to get social anxiety I thought it was my body betraying itself for no sensical reason. Now, if it appears, I know to trust that it has something important to tell me. Maybe it’s here to say that with a specific person, I’ve been wearing a mask and am not showing up authentically, which feels threatening to my nervous system. Maybe it’s here to say: “Cocktails on a Tuesday, again? You know you don’t want to be doing that.” This then invites me to question why I seek out plans that revolve around alcohol with this specific person.

Since trusting that anxiety is an agent of wisdom, I’m learning to stop raging against it and start listening to its messages. I find that getting curious about it, instead of resisting it, makes it dissolve faster.

Similarly, anxiety and overthinking are present when I go long periods of time without creating. When I prioritize my value of creativity, my nervous system is much calmer, and so am I. Finally getting the courage to start a Substack and write essays like this has helped me to find the aliveness that was lacking in my life when I had no creative outlets.

I’ve found that creative self-expression in any form, whether it’s writing, dancing, or drawing flowers in the margin of my notebooks, rips me out of whatever story my mind wants to trap me in and brings me into the warm expanse of my body. My nervous system calms immediately.

While I can’t say I enjoy anxiety (I’m not a masochist), I’m grateful that it has nudged me toward a more aligned, creative existence these past few months.

---

Value-based living has also shed light on other problem areas of my life, such as codependent relationships, lack of discipline, lack of boundaries, and people-pleasing. All of which have been damaging on a soul level, have kept me disconnected from my intuition, and were contributing to the pervasive discontentment I had been feeling for most of the past decade.

It’s too much to get into now, but I promise, it’s all connected.

Alignment is a direction, not a destination

From time to time I catch myself behaving in ways that go against my values, normally with the help of anxiety as a messenger. And when this happens, all I can do is compassionately acknowledge it and take a mental note of how I’m going to do better next time.

I have to remind myself that alignment is a direction, not a destination. There’s no way to do it perfectly, and doing it perfectly isn’t the point.

Besides, walking the path of alignment is not without it’s challenges. In the past year I’ve faced so much rejection. Romantic, friend-wise, career-wise, etc. Even though I understand that rejection is just redirection, it’s been tough to stomach. I have to remind myself to trust that anyone, or any opportunity, that falls away during this time is not aligned with my highest good.

---

What I said in my poem above wasn’t entirely true. No, dying is not easy.

But it’s necessary.

We cannot grow into the fullest, most authentic expressions of ourselves if we’re unwilling to let the old versions die. As Nature shows us, life begets death begets life begets death. It’s an endless cycle that will eventually cause the destruction of our physical bodies, but will forever carry our essence on the wind.

So if you’re also in the middle of a death and rebirth cycle, then congratulations! There’s a different life that is crying to be lived from the depths of your Being, and it seems you’re heeding the call.

But wait.

Don’t reach for the next version of you just yet. First, honor the versions of yourself that you’ve shed like snakeskin. Acknowledge the courage it takes to do that. Dream of the highest expression of the person you want to become, and align yourself with the values it took to get them there.

If you can, try to embrace the in-between; this dreaded but fertile dark.

Then, when it’s time, put one foot in front of the other and step into the light.

---